False Evidence Appearing Real.

For most of my life I have fought two very potent 'invisible demons'. 1) That I'm inferior because my legs don't work, and have to have someone with me all the time. 2) That I'm not worth having friends and anyone who starts out being my friend will eventually figure it out and end up not being. They might still love me & help me when I need it, but, won't end up being my hang-out buddy.

These two beliefs have haunted me to the point that I was so terrified of them that I actually created the situations, myself, to make them happen. I've always heard that what you're afraid of is what comes true, but, I guess I couldn't fully see my role in how I was making it occur because it seemed to have so much to do with other people's choices.

Then I very quickly became haunted with two more fears that seemed to grow at 10 times the speed of the others that were produced over the course of my life. 1) That I would never be able to keep the same trainer. 2) That I wasn't good enough on my own to make it to the Paralympics...no matter how badly I wanted it.

It took me until about 2 weeks ago to ACTUALLY believe, in my heart, that Brian wasn't going away...as my trainer or my friend. Two weeks ago, Brian and I had a conversation, and he said this: "We are close friends. I AM going to get real mad at you sometimes, but, I'm always going to train you and be your friend." When he said that to me, it not only helped me in OUR training relationship/friendship, but, it re-inserted a lot of emotional connections to a lot of people in my life. I suddenly realized that I have been cutting a lot of people short for a lot of my life, by saying that everyone leaves me. Everyone doesn't leave me. I emotionally disconnect myself out of fear...then it appears to me as though they don't want me around. I had to actually be told, through a time of turmoil, that someone wasn't leaving just because there was some turmoil.

When I realized that I was worth it to Brian to stay and train me and be my friend, I also realized that I have worth as a human being and I'm not defined as my chair. I've fought all my life to prove that to everyone...when really I was the one that didn't believe it. Yesterday Brian said to me "You're putting limitations on yourself, so how is everyone else not supposed to?" The realization of this fear came out of nowhere this week. I had no idea that I really never gave myself my own identity, because it's just been the way I grew up. All kinds of people talk over my head when I have someone else with me, as if I can't answer questions or have conversations because I'm in a wheelchair.

It's taken Brian staying with me and his acknowledging and verbalizing that he's staying with me for me to realize that I very definitely could be okay on my own.

Last weekend's last lift was missed purely and simply for mental reasons. I have been afraid to press my heaviest lifts without Brian there. Up until this point there have been various physical things that we've had to work on to get my technique right. But, there's just no getting around last weekend. I started to press, and my body just gave up. It just stopped. It was afraid it couldn't, so it just didn't. I couldn't have asked for a better training cycle or for better results from a training cycle than this last one. I just simply didn't hold up my end of the bargain when it came down to crunch time.

Brian and I talked a long time about it yesterday. I felt bad because it sounded like he's really mulled it over as much as I have about what HE could have done differently to help me out. But there isn't anything. He did it all. He covered all the bases. Even the metnal ones, as much as he could. But, it's my brain. And I'm the only one that can change what is in it. He helps a great deal. A GREAT deal. But, it's up to me if I'm going to accept what he says and does to help get me prepared or if I'm going to keep clinging to the past.

Brian's incredible. He relates to me better than I relate to myself. He listens, and he acknowledges my feelings. But, in the end there's not really an answer for him to give besides to just go do it. There are a lot more words involved than that...very colorful at times, too ;-) But all are very warranted and needed. And at the end, he stands up and either gives me hug or winks at me. It's like a compassionate, hard-core swift kick in the rear, with an encouraging "I know you can do it" all wrapped in one. And I know that he believes that I'll figure out how to do it. He knows just in the short year and a half that we've trained that I figure out how to do anything when I want it. And I know that I want this more than I've ever wanted anything ever in my life.

All my life I've conquered what other people told me I couldn't. Now it's me that stands in my way saying I can't, while simultaneously trying to say I can. I just have to figure out how it is I can override the I can't with the I can.

If you haven't figured out the acronym in the title, it's FEAR. And that's exactly what fear is. False Evidence Appearing Real. I realize that for the first time in my life. I've always felt very validated in my fears...until last weekend. I absolutely unequivocally should have had my last lift, and then some.

It'll be okay. I know it will. Because I refuse to have it any other way. And so does Brian. Even yesterday as we were discussing that it was me being mental, he kept using the word "we" when talking about the problem and how to fix it. He's with me no matter what...even when it isn't his problem. And so are a whole lot of other people. I'll figure this out on my own because I have to. There aren't any other options.....but I know I'm not ever alone in it. I just have to stop being so afraid of myself.

It's back to work again tomorrow. Finally. It was a long week. I needed the time off. I sorted a lot of stuff out. But, I'm so glad it's time to go back. We're gonna make a couple changes in the weight room. We're gonna mess around with my rack height a little. And Brian said he's going to start letting other people lift off sometimes when I'm benching, to get me away from relying on him being right there. My goal for June is 85 kgs. That's 187 lbs. And I'm gonna do it. Some way, some how, come hell or high water....I'm gonna do it. I have 10 weeks to train. On your mark. Get set. Go.