Connection

I wasn't in a fantastic mental way when I arrived at the gym. I was a little late and it really bothers me when I'm not on time. And it was because my stomach wasn't doing so well, and that always rises my emotions to bubbling just under the surface. After I got in the basement and put my bag down, I was on my way to my usual stretching spot and Brian winked at me and did a quick grin. I took a deep breath and the bubbling under the surface simmered down. :-)

He strapped me odd on Cable Rows because it's been a while since we did them and neither of us really remembered exactly how we used to do it. But, he 'pulled up a seat' on an exercise ball right next to me while I was doing my sets, so nothing could go wrong, even though it felt awkward.

The last exercise we did, we've never done before. It was an experiment. While he was strapping me, I felt pretty unstable and grabbed for his arm a couple of times. He looked up at me and gave me a look like he was kind of taken aback. He said "Wow. I haven't seen THAT look of nervousness for a long time." As soon as he acknowledged it, I was able to make a comment and talk about it, and it went away. Then I actually was able to enjoy the experimentation. And I even came up with an easier way of doing it so that we can continue to do it in the future.

I love days like this. It's a solid friendly reminder that we are a team. We're a small team, but, a team nonetheless. It's my favorite kind of day. There aren't many days like this when we're in the competition mode. It's too tense and I am too spastic. haha. But, it's awesome when we get a little break and just get to relax and mess around with stuff instead of having a structure.

Cable Rows - 130 lbs., 12. 140 lbs., 12. Then we went back to 130 lbs., for 3 sets of 10, and Brian had me focus on squeezing my lats and tucking my elbows and holding it for a second before the next rep.
Cable Iron Cross - 90 lbs., 4 sets of 12.
(Experiment) Single-Arm Sidways Pulldown - These made me real nervous because there was nothing to my back. But, I really felt them and really loved the exercise. Brian put me on the preacher curl bench but took out the pad that you put your arms over. Then he put a couple of folded over floor mats over the metal where the pad usually goes in for me to lean over and I reached up over my head for the cable and pulled down. He wasn't going to have me keep doing them because he didnt know how to get me turned around with out unstrapping me and taking most of our time to set me up for each side, but, i pulled my chair over and leaned on it for the other side and it seemed to work out just fine :-) I really like them even though they made me nervous. I love when we find more things to do. :-)

<3 Stretching <3

Sharpened Senses

Last week, Brian said that before my meet someone said he should put 185 lbs on my bar. He said I am strong enough, but he couldn't put 185 lbs. on my bar cuz I'm not ready for it. Yesterday when we were chatting with Wade, I said "You never tell me what is on my bar anyway. Why can't you throw 185 on without telling me." He grinned and said "What happened when I put 180 on?" It stapled me. He said "I can't fool you. Especially you. You can feel how much weight is on, even when you don't know." I had never really thought about it before. But, it's kind of like a blind person who's other senses get sharper because they can't see. Because I can't feel my legs, I have other senses that are more in tune with me than the average joe. I'm also more in tune with myself mentally, a lot of times. I just have to stop being afraid of it. When I realize that I'm thinking something mentally that I shouldn't...self-doubting thoughts, etc...I need to get rid of them instead of consciously thinking them and worrying about them.

Today was a good start to transitioning back into a cycle. Felt good, although, I'm going to be sore tomorrow. But, I love that :-) Going for cardio a few times this week to get back into that groove. Then heading to Cincinatti for the weekend for a powerlifting seminar. Should be a great time. The woman putting it on is Laura Phelps-Sweatt. Brian said she's one of the best in the world. He said she's only like the 5th woman to bench 500 lbs., equipped. So, it should be very educational for me.

Reverse Band Press - 185 lbs., 5 sets of 8. (my second set was actually for 10.)
Inclined Dumbbell Press - 35 lbs., 12. 40 lbs., 2 sets of 10.
Inclined Dumbbell Triceps Extensions - 15 lbs., 3 sets of 12.

<3 Stretching <3

Self-Confidence

Bonus Blog!!

Something bothered me as soon as I published the last post. So, I wanted to clarify. Self-confidence (and lack thereof) is a funny thing. The fact that it helps me to hear from other people that my form is great doesn't have anything to do with me doubting Brian, in the least bit. It has to do with me doubting myself. When you don't have a good self-esteem, as soon as someone pays you a compliment, 15 things run through your head about yourself that the other person doesn't know..."And if they did, they wouldn't feel the same." There's not much of anything about me that Brian doesn't know....but, it's still hard for me to believe good things about myself. All the things that change from being on the gym bench to being on the competition bench flash through my mind when he says that because I have myself convinced that they all screw with my form. THAT is why Brian tells me to stop thinking and just go do it. Because if I'm really secure in what I'm doing, it will NOT screw with my form THAT much. I won't be perfect every single time. But, thinking about everything that could go wrong before I leave because the setups are different, pretty much ensures that all of those things will go wrong when I get there...hence last weekend. I just have to learn to believe in myself. Period. End of conversation.

New Eyes

Wade came to talk to Brian and I about my benching today. Wade weighs somewhere close to 340 lbs. and he benches well over 500 lbs. I did a bar set and then a set of 95 lbs. The verdict was everything I ever expected it to be. My trainer has missed nothing and I just have to go do it.

I've said for a year and a half that Brian is the best of the best. He's followed the best until it has made him the best right along with them. That's what kind of made me sad about our conversation on Friday, because I could tell that he analyzed my lifts as much as I did, trying to figure out what he can do to get me better prepared, even mentally, next time. But, it's not his issue. It's mine. After watching me today, Wade said my technique is absolutely perfect. There's nothing more to add. After talking to Brian about suggestions that he had, Brian checked each one off the list as already having it on the list and trying it with me. He's covered everything. He's taught me everything. There are still a few lat concepts that sometimes I struggle with, but, it's still my issue. He's given me the information. I just have to make my brain click with it.

Wade made some suggestions about loosening up my pec minors, and we do that...he made some other suggestions and Brian said "Wade, we treat her royal(i think that's the word he used). She gets massages once a week and gets stretched every day and gets a diet and trains 4 days a week. And she still emails me 10 times a day!" We laughed and Wade said "Did you tell him, that's what Olympians get?" .....Wade said seriously that there really isn't anything he can think of that Brian hasn't thought of already. Then, I started to feel kinda down on myself when we were wrapping up and Brian was stretching me. I started to think "It's such a shame that I have all this knowledge and dedication from a trainer at my finger tips and I just can't get the job done when it comes down to crunch time." Brian went upstairs and Wade and I talked for a few more minutes and he said something in a way that it hasn't been said to me yet. Brian tells me A LOT that I haven't been doing this all that long so I just need to give myself some time. But as Wade and I were talking, he said "Were you in sports when you were growing up?" And I wasn't. I dind't really have that much of an opportunity to do so. Wade said "Well, then I really understand what you're saying about not knowing how to muster up your aggression and knowing how to use your emotions. I've been playing football since I was 6 years old. So, I've had a lot of practice at getting mentally focused because It's been so long. If you've never competed before, you're learning a whole new ball game. Competition is a whole other mental game."

That made a lot of sense to me; and also made me feel a lot better about believing that I WILL figure out how to take all this knowledge and dedication from my trainer, and from myself, and turn it all into motivation to help me perform at crunch time. I didn't hear anything today that I haven't heard before and Brian grinned at me the whole time Wade talked because he's the one that has said every bit of it to me for over a year and a half (well, except that he's the best of the best....but, he is because he doesn't think he is). But, we both know that I'm an extremely habitual, repetitive person..and I think it really helped me to hear it from someone new. And next week when I go to Cincinatti, I'll probably hear it again from them...the more I hear it, the more I'll be able to get a grip on it and use it. .....I think a little bit of that is, even though I've always said Brian is the best of the best, sometimes you don't REALLY realize how good you have it. So, he could tell me all day long how ready I am, and it isn't that I don't believe him, but I get used to hearing it from him...but to hear it from other objective people that are also the best of the best kinda opens my eyes to realizing that I have it more together than I think I do.

It'll happen. Brian and I are the perfect fit for the job. I might be a little behind him in producing results, but, I don't give up until it happens and is done right. Everything has clicked to this point. It'll click again. Wade even said today that all it's gonna take is one meet. I'll get all three lifts and feel like I have a ton left over and wonder why I didn't go for more.

False Evidence Appearing Real.

For most of my life I have fought two very potent 'invisible demons'. 1) That I'm inferior because my legs don't work, and have to have someone with me all the time. 2) That I'm not worth having friends and anyone who starts out being my friend will eventually figure it out and end up not being. They might still love me & help me when I need it, but, won't end up being my hang-out buddy.

These two beliefs have haunted me to the point that I was so terrified of them that I actually created the situations, myself, to make them happen. I've always heard that what you're afraid of is what comes true, but, I guess I couldn't fully see my role in how I was making it occur because it seemed to have so much to do with other people's choices.

Then I very quickly became haunted with two more fears that seemed to grow at 10 times the speed of the others that were produced over the course of my life. 1) That I would never be able to keep the same trainer. 2) That I wasn't good enough on my own to make it to the Paralympics...no matter how badly I wanted it.

It took me until about 2 weeks ago to ACTUALLY believe, in my heart, that Brian wasn't going away...as my trainer or my friend. Two weeks ago, Brian and I had a conversation, and he said this: "We are close friends. I AM going to get real mad at you sometimes, but, I'm always going to train you and be your friend." When he said that to me, it not only helped me in OUR training relationship/friendship, but, it re-inserted a lot of emotional connections to a lot of people in my life. I suddenly realized that I have been cutting a lot of people short for a lot of my life, by saying that everyone leaves me. Everyone doesn't leave me. I emotionally disconnect myself out of fear...then it appears to me as though they don't want me around. I had to actually be told, through a time of turmoil, that someone wasn't leaving just because there was some turmoil.

When I realized that I was worth it to Brian to stay and train me and be my friend, I also realized that I have worth as a human being and I'm not defined as my chair. I've fought all my life to prove that to everyone...when really I was the one that didn't believe it. Yesterday Brian said to me "You're putting limitations on yourself, so how is everyone else not supposed to?" The realization of this fear came out of nowhere this week. I had no idea that I really never gave myself my own identity, because it's just been the way I grew up. All kinds of people talk over my head when I have someone else with me, as if I can't answer questions or have conversations because I'm in a wheelchair.

It's taken Brian staying with me and his acknowledging and verbalizing that he's staying with me for me to realize that I very definitely could be okay on my own.

Last weekend's last lift was missed purely and simply for mental reasons. I have been afraid to press my heaviest lifts without Brian there. Up until this point there have been various physical things that we've had to work on to get my technique right. But, there's just no getting around last weekend. I started to press, and my body just gave up. It just stopped. It was afraid it couldn't, so it just didn't. I couldn't have asked for a better training cycle or for better results from a training cycle than this last one. I just simply didn't hold up my end of the bargain when it came down to crunch time.

Brian and I talked a long time about it yesterday. I felt bad because it sounded like he's really mulled it over as much as I have about what HE could have done differently to help me out. But there isn't anything. He did it all. He covered all the bases. Even the metnal ones, as much as he could. But, it's my brain. And I'm the only one that can change what is in it. He helps a great deal. A GREAT deal. But, it's up to me if I'm going to accept what he says and does to help get me prepared or if I'm going to keep clinging to the past.

Brian's incredible. He relates to me better than I relate to myself. He listens, and he acknowledges my feelings. But, in the end there's not really an answer for him to give besides to just go do it. There are a lot more words involved than that...very colorful at times, too ;-) But all are very warranted and needed. And at the end, he stands up and either gives me hug or winks at me. It's like a compassionate, hard-core swift kick in the rear, with an encouraging "I know you can do it" all wrapped in one. And I know that he believes that I'll figure out how to do it. He knows just in the short year and a half that we've trained that I figure out how to do anything when I want it. And I know that I want this more than I've ever wanted anything ever in my life.

All my life I've conquered what other people told me I couldn't. Now it's me that stands in my way saying I can't, while simultaneously trying to say I can. I just have to figure out how it is I can override the I can't with the I can.

If you haven't figured out the acronym in the title, it's FEAR. And that's exactly what fear is. False Evidence Appearing Real. I realize that for the first time in my life. I've always felt very validated in my fears...until last weekend. I absolutely unequivocally should have had my last lift, and then some.

It'll be okay. I know it will. Because I refuse to have it any other way. And so does Brian. Even yesterday as we were discussing that it was me being mental, he kept using the word "we" when talking about the problem and how to fix it. He's with me no matter what...even when it isn't his problem. And so are a whole lot of other people. I'll figure this out on my own because I have to. There aren't any other options.....but I know I'm not ever alone in it. I just have to stop being so afraid of myself.

It's back to work again tomorrow. Finally. It was a long week. I needed the time off. I sorted a lot of stuff out. But, I'm so glad it's time to go back. We're gonna make a couple changes in the weight room. We're gonna mess around with my rack height a little. And Brian said he's going to start letting other people lift off sometimes when I'm benching, to get me away from relying on him being right there. My goal for June is 85 kgs. That's 187 lbs. And I'm gonna do it. Some way, some how, come hell or high water....I'm gonna do it. I have 10 weeks to train. On your mark. Get set. Go.

Disappointment

Hello everyone :)

I got my first two lifts today. 154 lbs. and 165 lbs. 165 is a meet PR, so that's always great to have progress! But, I missed 176. As far as I remember (and I very well could be wrong, and I'm sure I'll be corrected if I am), I don't remember crying after a meet since my very first meet in which I completely bombed out of. ...I cried tonight. I really believed I'd have it. There were several factors that played into it all, which I (now) completely see how I didn't get it. But, I really thought I would. I'm starting to wonder if I haven't been in the sport long enough to expect out of myself what I expect. ... But, I also think that attribute that works on my nerve right now is what will make me successful in the future because I am never satisfied. I probably could spare to be a little more balanced, by not completely being disappointed in myself, while simultaneously not being satisfied. But, that'll all come in due time. Coach was proud of me. Brian always seems proud of me and we always pick up right where we left off whether I make my lifts or not, and it's always okay no matter what I call and say to him after my meets and my family is proud of me. So, I'll eventually find the balance in amongst my support. :-)

It's Showtime!!!!!

Well!!!!!! Last gym time went very well this morning!! A few sets of 155 lbs. and they were great. When I asked Brian how they looked he said "You're always perfect! You're fine!" Now to remind him in a couple of months that he told me I am always perfect! lol. JUST kidding, just kidding. I'm packed. Checked in. Boarding Passes are printed. Just waiting to leave now!!!!! Feeling great. VERY ready to see Aunt Gert. And ready for Saturday to get here!!

Everyone say prayers for me.....for my ears, for my trip and for my lifts. Thank you!!!

Infectious!

There was just the right mix of people in the gym today, while I was warming up, to be the perfect source of entertainment and a good time! You couldn't possibly be in a bad mood while in the basement today!! The jokes and laughs were as infectious as they ever are.

I had a doctor's appointment today. Was pretty certain that I had a double ear infection again. (usually two meanings behind my post titles. haha). BUT!!!!! I DO NOT!!!!!!! And I'm standing on that and believing it with all my heart. I WILL NOT be in pain on my flights on Wednesday!!!!!! But I do have an infection in my throat and it is putting pressure BEHIND my eardrums, which caused the pain that I thought was my ears being infected. So I got antibiotics.

Today was bench only. I'm kind of not feeling up to snuff. So, we did about 5 sets of 155. Brian said they were perfect and I'm ready to go. :-D

And of course, <3 Stretching <3

General Catch-up.

I compete next Saturday!!!!!! YAAAAAY! F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!!!!! And everybody said "AAAAAMEN!" Hahaha. Feelin' a little icky in the lats/teres region, but, everything's light this week and massage is in 2 days. So, I'll be juuuuuust fine! Gonna come back and plan a couple of fundraisers. Looking to find my own place when I get back. Then looking to go back to school. Lots of changing, coming right up! (UGH! My least favorite!) But!! I don't have to switch trainers! haha. You all have no idea how much that keeps me moving at times. Everyone needs a silver-lining, right?! I hated, so much, switching all those trainers. So, no matter what I am feeling like or going through or facing, at the beginning and the end of the day I say to myself "But you don't have to switch trainers." It reminds me that things could be whole lot worse. Yes, I understand it could be a whole lot worse than switching trainers, but that ranks pretty high up on MY personal richter scale!!!!!

I also found out that I have the possibility to be chosen to speak at my commencement ceremony in May. Commencement is going to be live-streamed, so I'll let you all know if I'm speaking so you can watch me on the internet! Hmmm....Anything else? OH! I'm not sure I've told you all that I have a volunteer position at a hospice office. I go twice a week for 3 hours and I really love it. :-) It's definitely my cup o' tea.

Today's #'s: 75 lbs., on Cambered Bar Rows, 4 sets of 10. 30 lbs., on Dumbbell Rows, 2 sets of 15. 35 lbs., on Pullovers, 3 sets of 12.

<3 Stretching <3

Can't wait for next weekend. I have a very good feeling about this meet. ;-)

Just a Smidgeon

I missed 180 lbs. today. I couldn't tell, but Brian said I misgrooved it. I was really surprised I couldn't tell. He said I wasn't quite as tucked as I usually am when I'm on. But you should have seen how close together his fingers were when he was showing me how little I was off. It's not very much at all....and it's the line between conquering or failing. No matter how long I'm in this, I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how much a quarter of an inch makes a difference in the bar raising or not raising.

BUT, it doesn't matter. Because I'm going for 175 lbs. and I got that cleanly on Wednesday, twice, so I'm ready, set, spaghetti!!!! (haha. That was a game me and my sister had when we were little). Not only that, but, also, Brian said that to get the bar up, he just tapped it forward on my chest to the proper positioning and I did actually press it on my own. It really felt so light that I thought he was helping me to press it, but, he said no, he didn't. He only moved it forward and then I pressed it. So, I AM strong enough. Just have to work out the technicalities as always. And being strong enough makes me really happy, and NOT a mental case...which in turn makes Brian really happy, too. ;-)

Competition Bench - 145 lbs., 155 lbs., 170 lbs., 160 lbs.(3 sets), all for singles, plus the 180 fail, between the 170 & sets of 160.

Triceps Pressdowns - 90 lbs., 12. 110 lbs., 8. 100 lbs., 2 sets of 12. These make me really tired. Every time. Not sure why but it's rather funny. :-)

<3 Stretching <3

One week tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surprise!!!!!!!!!

Heard from my cousin, Caite today! Was awesome :-) Haven't gotten to talk to her in quite some time. Massage was GREAT yesterday. I actually felt like I was there for a relaxing massage. THAT doesn't happen very often. haha.

THEN TODAY!!! I hit 175 lbs., for TWO singles!!!!!!!!!!! Felt AMAZING. So strong. So happy :-D

Competition Bench - 140 lbs., 150 lbs., 165 lbs., 175 lbs.(2 sets), all singles.
T-Bar Rows - 45 lbs., 10. 90 lbs., 4 sets of 6.
Blackburns - 5 lbs., 3 sets of 10.

<3 Stretching <3

Things are spectacular. Leaving in one week for Texas to stay with Aunt Gert & go to my competition!!!!

Great day in the weight room. Still having that social struggle that seems to plague me no matter where I go or how old I get. Oh well, I guess it's a whole lot better than a lot of things people go through. Whatcha gonna do, right?! Everybody's gotta deal with something. At least the iron & the bench is the same as yesterday and will be the same the next time I go in. And Brian's still trainin' me :-) There's always a plus side. Sometimes you just have to look for it a little deeper than others.

Seriously. Unbelievably. Great. Day with the workout. I know Brian wasn't thrilled with things getting cancelled and having to re-peak me but he did one hell of a job at it. I feel great. And the weight is moving very nicely.

Competition Bench - 150 lbs., 160 lbs., 170 lbs. (3 sets) all for singles.
Dumbbell Military Press - 30 lbs., 35 lbs., 40 lbs., all for 10.
Skullcrushers - 55 lbs., 8. 65 lbs., 2 sets of 6.

<3 Stretching <3

Busy Busy Busy!

I feel like I have so much to do! I don't know how I got so far behind on life. Then I'll go to Oklahoma in a couple weeks and have to start all over catching up again! lol. Gym was pretty busy this morning. More motivating though, when you hear so much weight clangin' around.

Cambered Bar Rows - 75 lbs., 10. 85 lbs., 8. 95 lbs., 2 sets of 8.
Dumbbell Rows - I actually don't know! :-/ I'm gonna guess 40 lbs., 12 & 45 lbs., 2 sets of 12.....that might be too high. It might have been 35 lbs., & 40 lbs.
Pullovers - 35 lbs., 12. 40 lbs., 2 sets of 12.

<3 Stretching <3

Been sleeping SO well. Been feeling darn good. I think I cramped my trap today on pullovers, but, I'll get it worked out on Tuesday. :-) I'm all set. This meet's been a long time comin!!!!!!

Two Weeks!

Competition Bench - 145 lbs., 155 lbs., 165 lbs., 175 lbs., all for singles. 135 lbs., for a double.
Dumbbell Bench - 45 lbs., 50 lbs., 60 lbs., 65 lbs., all for 6.
Triceps Pressdowns - 100 lbs., 12. 120 lbs., 10. 130 lbs., 6.

<3 Stretching <3

It was a really great day! I have actually been loving Dumbbell Bench lately. I've actually had to grunt and groan a little and give quite a bit of effort. Feels great. Competition bench felt real good today. I slowed a little on the 175 BUT the bar stayed even and it kept moving. :-D Doing really really well. Love training! Two weeks out, tomorrow.

Very Good.

That title was for my sister. lol.

Today was 'very good'. ;-) Everything felt great. Brian explained some training technique stuff to me again today. Which I know he as explained to me in the past. But, it takes me a few times of reassurance before it really sinks in. He trains me in such a way that I almost get over trained about 2-3 weeks out. Then he starts to back everything off and I come around and feel great and that's how he gets me to peak. Pretty cool. And much reason not to panic 2-3 weeks out. :-)

Competition Bench - 145 lbs., 155 lbs., 165 lbs., 170 lbs.(2 sets), all singles. Felt great. It felt like I could have done 3 more singles with 170.
Dumbbell Rows - 40 lbs., 12. 45 lbs., 10. 50 lbs., 9 & 8. Heavy & hard but good!
Blackburns - 5 lbs., 3 sets of 10.

<3 Stretching <3