Square One.

See, now, to me, tonight was worse of a night than last Wednesday, when Brian thought things weren't going right. Last Wednesday the exercises didn't feel right, and we had to do some switching around, but I handled the weight. Tonight, I don't even have my numbers from the bench to post, because Brian just wanted me to 'forget about it' and we'll start again the next time. That's bad...

It's especially frustrating when it's my bench. Sometimes I wonder why I decided to compete, because at times it takes the fun out of it, and I can't just go in and lift and not have anything to think about. There's all these specifics about technique and form that need fixed.

It'll come back...I know....that's what you all want to say to me. It just feels like I'm having the same conversations repeatedly and I can't figure out how to stop doing what I'm doing so that I don't have to have them anymore. And I KNOW that most of the problem is because mentally I don't let things go when I get frustrated, but I don't know how to fix that, and I don't understand how everyone else makes it sound so easy and I have such a hard time figuring out how to do it. I always think I'm focused, if you asked me, I'd say I was and I'd believe it. But, as soon as I miss reps, every single one of my trainers starts layin' into me about 'the mental game'. Brian says I'll learn, it just takes practice...but I don't even know how to practice the mental part, and I've always run into a wall when I ask people's advice on it...it's like it's something that can't be learned, you just have to have it.

Well, anyway, Adam taught me long ago that I have to shrug the bad days off, and that's just what Brian talked about all night tonight...so, I'll attempt it again. I know I really have to refocus my whole life on my training...I think the whole trainer switch unraveled me. But, I'm comfortable and it's going much better than I could have expected or asked for. So I need to re-ravel myself I guess.

Brian has some video he wants me to watch and said he has articles I can read...maybe that stuff will lead to more stuff. I've never been good at searching for things in particular subjects, but Brian seems like he's been doing this for his whole life, and he has a wealth of knowledge about the things I can read and the stuff I can try. I just have to give it time...my other favorite conversation :-P Yep, I'm well aware that I'm very hard on myself, and that I've only been at this for a year...but, a year isn't an excuse to me to not be able to lift weight that I've already lifted before.

I don't know what Brian loaded on the bench for me to attempt tonight, but I'm pretty sure he stripped it clear down to 135 lbs. to just do reps. I've been doing 135 lbs. since January...it's not all that impressive anymore. :-/

Close Grip Board Press - 135 lbs., 3 sets of 4
Dumbbell Military Press - 40 lbs. & 45 lbs., sets of 10. 50 lbs., 5.
Shrugs - 95 lbs., 10. 115 lbs., 10. 125 lbs., 10.
Same Band Abs - 3 sets of 25.
Shoulder Horn for Rotator Cuff - 10 lbs. 3 sets of 20? I can't remember if it was 20 or 25.