My Alabaster Box

"And though she spoke no words everything she said was heard, as she poured her love for the Master, from her box of Alabaster. And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box. Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair. You weren't there the night He found me. You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box."



Adam and I have had many discussions about our views on what it means to do something for yourself as opposed to doing something for others. I'm starting to understand what he means.

I had been watching Rocky IV before all my training sessions for a couple of weeks. There's such a great comparison of scenes with Rocky out training against nature and the Russian inside training on machines in the comforts of a heated environment, etc. Last week I stumbled upon watching Rocky III, and it really hit my heart. Rocky loses his old trainer, the only one he's ever known. And when this new guy walks in and wants to train him, Rocky agrees...but when he gets there, he realizes he doesn't have the confidence in himself...it was his old trainer that had the confidence in him.

I have never had to get through too many days in my life that I wasn't complimented on something that I did or wasn't told I was an "inspiration." Now I have my friends and my family all believing in me to qualify for the Paralympics and wanting me to keep them updated on my progress. So, I get all excited each day that I train because I can come home and blog and I'll hear from one of you or a couple of you every few times.

But, when I go into the weight room...I'm left with myself, and my fears, and my new trainer...that I didn't get to choose. I didn't choose to not have my old trainer, and I didn't choose to put down my walls with someone new. And he hasn't let me do too much choosing either. He picks the exercise, and we figure it out as we go. There's a scene from Rocky III that I've thought of the last few days because when Rocky goes to train after his old trainer dies he says "Mickey never made me do this." Cracks me up...I think that ALL THE TIME.

I have spent my whole life explaining myself to everyone around me. I explain how important the people in my life are to me, and I explain why they are that important. And when someone new comes in to my life I explain what the last person did that made them so important to me. I explain why I act the ways that I do. I explain why I make the choices that I do. Everything.

But, as I sat and watched Rocky III the first time last week, there's a scene with Adrian and Rocky on the beach and Adrian tells Rocky that he can't do it for Mickey, or for her, or for Apollo, he has to do it for himself. I have at least two emails saved, and two conversations in my memory of Adam telling me that very same thing. And I always thought I WAS doing it for me, until I watched that scene with Adrian and Rocky. (there were a couple other scenes from movies that went along with helping me realize, but that was a big one) Because Rocky didn't know he wasn't doing it for him. He was just comfortable. And when it came down to it, and his protection was taken away...he had to find it within himself to keep going, without his protection.

I get frustrated at times because people will encourage me and I will get angry with myself because I think if they can make it sound so easy, then I shouldn't be having such a hard time. Or I get frustrated because someone will doubt something that I want to do and I'll get angry that they don't know how much fight I have. But, those are all feelings based on everyone else's reactions to my life.

No matter how much I explain to anyone, no one can ever understand the price that I pay to get through each day of my life. And I can never understand the price that anyone else pays to get through each day of their life. No one can understand how hard it is for me to go to the gym and feel so weak and vulnerable because of all the help required. No one can understand our sacrifices in life...or even why they are sacrifices most of the time. It's a great lesson in learning not to judge other people. Sure, some people are just lazy or drama kings and queens because they want their way...but who can be the judge of who is being a drama queen and who it is actually a sacrifice for?

Today I was thinking about the lyrics of the song that I put at the beginning of this entry. I was staring at Adam in the mirror as we started Dumbbell Shoulder Press and I was thinking "You have no idea how hard this is for me. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to cry right now. You have no idea how hard it is for me to trust you to help me with this," and on and on. Then, toward the end of my workout, we went over to do Pull-Ups and Adam wanted me to try a new way. I really didn't want to, and I bordered on smarting off to him. I tried to catch myself, because I've done that a lot lately. But I looked at him and he looked down at me and said "Trust me." All of a sudden, my thought process completely changed. I started thinking "Chelsi, YOU have no idea how hard this is for HIM. You have no idea how hard it is to replace a trainer that had been around for so long. You have no idea the amount of time and effort that he puts into your routines. You have no idea how much of an effort it probably is for him to come back and train you when he knows he's going to make you do something you don't want to do. You have no idea how hard it probably is for him to have a client that is so unlike the rest of them. You have no idea how hard he's trying to help you trust him, and that he probably doesn't know what else to do!"

So, anyway, I can't change over night...but it was a real eye opener as to what really drives me. I can't change what I don't acknowledge, and I definitely acknowledge now that what drives me is to hear other people be impressed with me. And it also made me want to try harder to trust Adam quicker. And it isn't because he isn't a trust-worthy person. It's just because it was change, and I'm the queen of resisting change. It was also an eye opener that the extra things that Mickey never made Rocky do were what benefited him the most for his next victory. Adam's been amazing and he's never gonna know how much it means to me that he didn't write me off as a client...but I guess I'm just going to have to live with that since the price of our oil can't be explained to others.

OH! My workout!! Dumbbell Military Press, 40 lbs, 8 reps, then 3 sets of 12 reps. Incline Backwards Rows, I think 40 lbs, 4 sets of 12. Incline Lateral Raises, 15 lbs, 3 sets(?) of 10. Lateral Pulldowns, 30 lbs, 2 sets of 15. Close-Grip Commandos (like pull-ups, only sideways) 10, 5, 7. Machine Military Press 100 lbs, 30, 25, 25, 20. 5 of my original Wrist Curls. And 3 sets of 30 Lying Medicine Ball Twists.