Finding the Right Focus

Today was very discouraging to me. I was on a good run of doing really well too!!! lol.

I did 115 lbs. on Bench, 12, 12, 10, 9 reps.
Then I did Close Grip Bench for my triceps. I think I had 15 lbs on each side of the bar, 10, 8, 10 reps. Straight Arm Pull Overs, two sets, probably around 30 lbs. or so, but I finally got myself to stop counting, and I forgot to check the sheet for what I did, so I'm not sure of my reps. Single Arm Skull Crushers, two sets, and again, I'm not sure of the reps, but I used a 25 lb. dumbbell.

On my own were Smith Flies, 50 lbs, four sets of 15. Overhead Tricep Extensions w/ a bar (about 20 lbs I'm guessing). 5 Wrist curls. And two sets of 20 Weighted Laying Twists.

The reason it was so discouraging was because I struggled a lot with my form. I also finally heard all of the thoughts that distract me so much from just lifting. It's like they are such a regular occurence that usually when Adam asks me what I'm thinking, I say nothing because I don't realize that I was.

I had a great warm-up. I was "ready"...meaning mentally...for Adam to come back to start my session. I worked on my form during warm-up and I did very well. But I laid down to bench, once Adam put the weight on, and on the first rep, I swayed...not bad, I don't even think Adam moved toward me because of it. But I did, and it threw me off for the rest of my workout. I got very consumed with swaying with only 115 lbs., and thinking about how I have to get to 225 lbs. And I also got very consumed with wondering if I was swaying because my form was off.

I told Adam, before we ever started our sessions together, that I'm not much of a "goal oriented" person. I said that because the instant a goal is placed into my brain, I have a very hard time not obsessively trying to make it there as quickly as possible. And when I don't do what I think I have to do to get there, I get very upset with myself. I think "Wow, I'm tired after 6 reps and he wants 12" or I think "How am I going to make it to certain weight by certain time if I can't even do this now." And most of the time, I don't realize I'm thinking those thoughts...because I've been so hard on myself for so long...I guess it's just natural now.

I'm having a rather difficult time benching because I enjoy it now...I feel like there's too much to focus on...I'm too worried about whether I'm using my shoulders instead of my chest, and I'm too worried about getting the right amounts of reps so that my weight can go up. I'm not just being happy with what I can do now, in the moment.

I struggled so much with Close Grip Bench as well...but right before my last set, Adam said "Don't think...just push the weight." And BAM! I punched out 9 of 'em, took a quick break and did one more, just like that. That's Adam's line that draws me out of my brain. I'm really glad there's a way out...I just need to imbed it in me, so I can do it myself.

So, I'm not sure if I'm not focused, or if I'm too focused, or if I'm just focused on the wrong thing. But whatever it is, it's really annoying. I need a breakthrough...like I had on incline...to show myself it's okay to get tired, and rack it...but don't anticipate it coming. I get so consumed with wondering if I'm going to get all my reps, that I take all these mini breaks and waste my energy.

That was today though. Adam says, when you have a bad day, let it go and move on. I plan on following his advice.