Trust

It's easier to not take action in your life and call it "Trusting that God will take care of you", rather than stepping out into what you DO NOT want to do and actually trusting that God will take care of you. Maybe not in every case. Some people might be just the opposite. But, that seems to be the case for me, at least in one area of my life.

Yesterday at church was wonderful. I was in tears for the entire praise and worship because of the awesomeness of God's blessings on my life this past year. We sang a lot of songs about trusting Jesus. Then I left church and went to the gym and had a conversation with Brian that I was completely appalled at when I left...(appalled at myself, not at Brian.) It's a conversation I've had lots of other times with other people...but with Brian I had my guard down and I didn't state many things as fact or as if I was convinced of my reasonings of my actions....but rather, I stated fears of the unknown and what could happen if I stepped out of the situation that I'm in. I had never had the conversation like that before (that I recall), and I didn't realize what I'd said until after I left. It was a very humiliating feeling...not because I was embarrassed to say it to Brian, but because I was so ashamed of the state of my heart that God was showing me through the conversation. I think that actually it was more sad than humiliating because I didn't realize how much I had deceived myself. It isn't on purpose that I'm not trusting God...I have just convinced myself of a lot of untruths along the way. It saddened me that I thought I trusted him so much more than I really do.

I'm so thankful that we don't have to be perfect to be God's children. And I'm so humbled that God showed me the true side of my heart because He still loves me, even though I haven't been faithful in trusting Him as much as I should. And I'm thankful that God uses the people in our lives to bring these realizations to us. I know that if I hadn't begun to trust Jack this year with taking care of my legs in massages and if I hadn't found Brian and begun to trust him with everything involved in my training (and more) that my heart would not have been in a right state to be open to accept that I'd been deceiving myself. Brian also knows what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear...granted, I'm sure a lot of other people know what I need to hear, but a lot of people aren't always the first in line to give out unpleasant advice...and I know you all have your own people that you're more willing to listen to over others, when people do start handing out advice. It never ceases to amaze me and bring me to my knees that God always knows exactly how to reach us in the right moments. One of those many invisible miracles that we don't always choose to acknowledge.

This whole lesson is like when I started declaring in my blogs how much I was getting along with Brian and really trusting him, then I came back from competition and we started into cycles of stuff that I wasn't very fond of and all of a sudden I wasn't so keen on talking for a few sessions. It's easy to say that we trust God when we're not doing anything...when we're in our little comfortable routine or when we're just where we want to be in life. But, it's another thing to actually take the steps to trust him with our life and go into the unknown. NOW I actually KNOW that I trust Brian, but I had to be put to the test to know whether that really was coming from my heart or not. And that's what God was asking me today about Himself. There's a song on my Mp3 player called Mountains, by LoneStar, and the chorus says "There are times in life when you've gotta crawl, lose your grip, trip and fall. When you can't lean on noone else, that's when you find yourself. I've been around and I've noticed that walkin's easy when the road is flat. Them danged 'ole heels will get you every time. Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains so we can learn how to climb." But, you actually have to take action to learn how to climb. You have to do it yourself. It has to be experienced, not just watched.

So, I'm getting ready to step out. I begin school on January 19th, and I will actually be going TO school, not doing any classes at home. And, after the conversation yesterday, I realize that the bigger step out is going to be when school is done and the job search begins....this time, it needs to end with a job. And the Lord will provide exactly what I need with and through the job.

Things went VERY well again today :) The elbow mostly behaved itself. No problems on benching. My issues are with triceps exercises...but they always have been. I hate that I have the elbow issues...makes me feel like I'm "being a girl." lol. I guess it's no different, I usually complain about whatever is hurting...but the elbow issues actually are bothersome to me...I'm not just having fun complaining to Brian about my woes. ;-) It worries me b/c it hurts to transfer and I need to be able to do that long after my powerlifting career. But, I guess that's just one of the things that comes with the territory. I'm sure it'll work itself out. Like I said to Brian, I just tend to be a hypochondriac when it comes to my muscles. lol.

Bench - Warm up, 95 lbs., 10. 135 lbs., 3. 155 lbs., 3. 180 lbs., 3.!!!! PR!!!!! WOOHOO. Very excited about this. When I got to Brian the MOST I had ever done, 1 rep, was 180 lbs!
Decline Dumbbell Press - 45 lbs., 8. 50 lbs., 8. 55 lbs., 8.
Skullcrushers - The outside grip doesnt seem to want to cooperate with me these days..that was my first set. The next two sets we did a closer grip with my hands hammer style and the pain decreased on both sets.
Front Raises - 15 lbs., 3 sets of 12...these feel much much much much better!!! I really don't mind them at all anymore :-D Better rotation on my shoulders too.
Shoulder Horn - 10 lbs., 2 sets of 25.
Abs on that half round thing - 2 sets of 12, then 'static holds'...I only got 3 in. lol.

Stretching. :-D

Everyone say a prayer for it to stop snowing for a couple of days. I REALLY wanna go to Ann Arbor to visit Mary on Wednesday after I work out!!!! Thanks :)

And the ramp was shoveled for me by the time I got to the gym today :-D Thank you Brian!