Broken Heart.

My wonderful Jack is moving to New Mexico to work...so now I must face getting used to a new massotherapist. I've been very sad about this all weekend. I'm happy for the opportunity he has. And I'm so thankful of how he's taking care of me before he leaves. He's already set me up with someone else and he's taking me to meet her before he leaves. But, it's just a major change and someone else to get used to and I don't know if I'll ever get used to that in my life, even though it's a constant must.

I'm having lots of trouble deciding what to say about today. I've re-written this post 3 times now. My bench was awful. It felt bad. It looked bad. I couldn't place the bar. It wasn't 'heavy' but, I felt like I could barely lift it. I remember when I first started my diet and was very strict on it, my muscles started feeling very tired before I got to a point where I was really doing anything to work them. Adam said I probably didn't have enough energy, so he upped my carbs. Not sure how to work that right now, since I'm purposely trying to lose weight. Then there's the fact that I've had trouble finding my groove every time I do a regular bench press ever since the deload week of my first cycle after competition. I feel like I've reverted back to when I started bringing the bar all the way to my chest and it scared me so bad to do so...I am scared I'm not going to get it back up. And I don't know why. And I feel like I'm not explaining it properly, which really REALLY frustrates me. Finally, there's the fact that Brian thinks I was just having a bad day. Which also frustrated me, because, he's probably right, and I'm probably wrong. But, the most frustrating part of my training has been when (any and all) of my trainers start telling me that I'm having a bad day or getting in my head too much or being mental about something and I don't feel as if I'm being that way at all. They've always turned out to be right, but it's the most frustrating b/c if I don't realize that I'm having an off day or that I'm being too mental about something, I don't know how to fix it. I'm not purposely trying to convince myself to worry about something. They've never said it was on purpose...I just get frustrated because I don't know what to do with myself or how to stop myself. Adam always said he wished that there was a button on the top of my head where he could shut off my brain. He isn't the only one that wishes that.

I don't know what was wrong today. Maybe it's a combination of everything. But, I should be able to do 135 lbs with one hand tied behind my back. I've been doing it since like a month after Brent left. And it's become my evil nemesis that follows me everywhere. That's my warm-up and that's what I do on bad days and that's what I do on deload weeks...it's there all the time and I feel stuck. I don't actually even know what he had me try on bench today. But I was only getting 3 reps and he wanted me to be getting 5, so he took me down to 135 lbs. He should have, b/c I was doing terrible. And I couldn't even groove 135 lbs. once he took me down. But, I think if he ever takes me any lower, it'd be a better idea to just call it a day. I just felt so wobbly. Then there's starting the new cycle, which now has two of my very least favorite exercises on the same day, so that should make things interesting. (No Brian, I don't want you to rearrange my cycle or take out any exercises.)

Here's the rest:
Decline Dumbbell Press - 35 lbs., 12. 40 lbs., 10. 45 lbs., 2 sets of 10. I had no visible, physical problems with these. I stayed on balance and handled them very well. I just have a lot of mental issues with db's.

Skullcrushers with some funky bar and I don't know how much he put on the ends. I actually liked them a lot though. The bar is more compact and easier for me to handle for skullcrushers.

The ever-so-lovely Front Raises. 15 lbs., 3 (?) sets of 12. They really are much better since he tried strapping me different last week. I know I will get used to them. They just pull me forward so much (or so it seems). He stands right there though, so I'll be fine.
Shoulder Horn - 10 lbs., 2 sets of 25.

And we do these new abs now, and it's a lot of fun. We use this nifty-looking half-ball thing. It has a flat part that lays on the ground, so you don't roll around or anything, but the top is like laying on an exercise ball. Brian says the name of it all the time, but I don't know if I could even pronounce it, or figure out how to spell it. But I know it starts w/ a 'b'. lol. I forgot to put this on as one of Friday's experiments. It's pretty cool. It's rather entertaining because Brian has to hold my legs, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants, even in the middle of my set. :-) He can make it harder or easier or whatever.

Stretching!!! Yay for stretching. My day always ends happy, no matter what happens in the middle. Love stretching.

I'll be back tomorrow. Brian has a seminar on Wednesday so I switched to tomorrow. Then I'll be back on Friday.