No Pain! No Pain! No Pain!

Brian has the stomach flu :( Please say prayers for him, k?

So, (obviously) we didn't train today. But I wanted to blog anyway, because I had a subject to talk about.

Oh, before I start......Jack isn't moving!!! YAY!!!! He always talks about leaving here, so I'm sure he will eventually, but it's not going to be right now!!!!!! The longer I can keep him the happier I am. :-D

I watched Rocky IV last night with my dad. Reminded me of a lot of the stuff I strive for in myself. I haven't watched the Rocky's for quite a while. Rocky IV is my favorite.

Before he leaves for Russia he tells his kid that there's always a piece of him that's scared when he's in the ring. He says that sometimes it hurts so bad that he just wishes the guy he's fighting would put one to his chin so that he wouldn't have to feel anything else. But then, he says, there's another side that comes out. One that isn't so scared. And then he says that what counts the most is going a little bit further when you don't think you can....he says that's what makes all the difference in the world.

Every time I watch Rocky IV, I think about how off track and intimidated I let myself get by the side effects of my disability. I reach a point (more frequently than I'd like) where I let it make me sad and let it look intimidating, rather than letting it drive me and piss me off to push me through those times. When I watch Rocky, I wish that I had SOMEONE to compete against. It feels like if it was a person I was trying to beat that it would better keep my attention and focus of my ability to be able to conquer it. It's like when Drago gets cut. Rocky goes to his corner and his trainer (can't remember his name...Apollo's trainer), says "He's cut! You see?? He's not a machine, he's a man!!" But, when I have all these balance issues and things that don't go away and seemingly can't be cut down to any lesser size, that's when I get discouraged and cop an attitude when I'm training. Sometimes it feels like I can't beat it...like it's never going to go away. One of my favorite scenes is when Rocky says to Adrian, "Maybe I can't win. Maybe all I can do is take everything he's got. But to beat me, he's going to have to kill me. And to kill me he's gotta have the heart to stand in front of me. And to do that, he's got to be willing to die himself. And I don't know if he's ready to do that." ...every time I watch that scene, I wish that there was something physical that I was up against that had to be willing to die in order to beat me. This thing that I fight so regularly, it doesn't have feelings, it's just there, and it doesn't change and it doesn't go away. I can't wear it down. I can't cut it...it's not a 'machine', but, it can't be hurt.

But, hearing Rocky say that last night about how going a bit further is what makes the difference...that's why I constantly tell Brian not to take exercises out that I completely despise. I know that I'm training to compete. But, day to day, most of the time training to me is more about conquering my fears and lessening what I can't do and increasing what I can do, than it is about my bench. Brian will say that he can take something out of my routine b/c it isn't really that important in making my bench go up...but, if I make him keep it in, knowing that it isn't going to benefit my bench all that much, it's like proving a point to myself that I'm not going to let my disability make me take the easy way out. I'm going to fight and claw until I'm strong enough for it not to phase me. It definitely isn't going to hinder my bench to keep those things in, and if I can toughen up my mental game, my bench will be better anyway.

My very favorite parts of Rocky IV are the trainer (man! I should know his name!) yelling 'No Pain', right in Rocky's face every single time things are difficult, through training and through the fight. I guess my problem (to this point) has been getting someone to hang around when things get that difficult. I'm not saying Brian has to scream 'No Pain' in my face every time he makes me do front raises or something. He can do whatever he wants. I guess I just needed to find someone who was strong enough to wait around until I fight and claw my way to the top of each thing, so that when I look and they're there, I'll remember my fight and keep my focus, instead of feeling like I'm lost and floundering all alone and can't get out.

I've realized that having someone there to push me in my day-to-day doesn't mean that I'm going to become so reliant on them that I spaz when I go to competition and no one is there to push me. I don't need pushed to do 3 single lifts. Bench press is the easy part. My day to day push that I desperately missed all those months after Brent left is because day to day most of my training is a lot harder and a lot scarier than a bench press lift.

I'm glad I'm coming back around to realizing that. And I'm thankful to feel so comfortable with Brian that it's okay again for me to rely on him for an extra push. I've noticed some of my old habits that I had with Brent coming back. And it makes me smile because I know that I fully trust Brian and that deep down I know everything's okay, even when my brain is telling me otherwise. I've been looking for Brian more often when I go to start an exercise..especially if it makes me nervous. I search for his eyes, just to get a little comfort before I start. I know I wasn't doing that often with him b/c he's been asking me what's wrong when I look at him before I start. But, I'm just making sure he's there and that he knows I can do it. I always looked in Brent's eyes when I got tired or nervous...it gives me something to stay focused on, so my brain doesn't run wild in the middle of a set.