In Control

Hey everyone,

I'm in Texas at my aunt's house, ready to head to Oklahoma. I had a pretty cool revelation today and wanted to share it with you all.

I've been texting Brian the last few days about being nervous and trying to get 'ready' for my competition. On Tuesday, he texted me and said I had to do it for me and me only. I didn't tell him, but I got kind of irritated. I just can't seem to figure out why everyone says that to me all the time. I keep thinking, 'I'm not going to fly half way across the country and put myself through being out of where I'm comfortable, if it isn't something that I want to do!'. But, I sucked it up and finished the conversation politely.

I've also been reading books on getting 'mentally prepared' as an athlete. The one I'm reading right now is written by a long-distance swimmer...but it's a great read for any sport, because of the endurance that is entailed in the length of time we have to train.

So, today, Brian texts me and he tells me to 'think of something that makes me angry, and when I'm strapped in just lower the weight, pause, and crush it. Just get it done.' I told Brian, I know that it's in me to just get mad and do it, but, I don't know how to tap into it when I want to. I know it hits me at certain points, but it's when I've endured something for a very long time and I just get sick of being so discouraged, and I just finish it.

In a book I read a few days ago, written by a powerlifter, it talked about being able to fail and going back and trying again. It doesn't mean it's over and everything's finished just because you didn't get a lift. You start over and you try it again. And if you fail that time, you start over and you try again.

Then today, after Brian texted me, I read a portion of this endurance book about the stages that we go through in endurance of anything, be it a relationship, a job, a sport, or whatever. And she talks about the difference between quitters and finishers being that the quitters don't think when they hit that point of wanting to quit more than anything in the world. They just quit. But the finishers continue talking to themselves and push through. We all go through that point, but the finishers just decide they're going to do it, and do.

I started thinking about the last time I got angry and just pushed through and did it. I am pretty sure it was last Friday(if not, then Friday before). I was doing Dumbbell Tricep Extensions and my elbow started to hurt because of 'tendinitis'. It was my last rep, but I just got so mad, and pushed my arms up and the rep was perfect. Brian looked at me and said "You got pissed, didn't you?" I was trying to remember what I was thinking when I got mad, and it was that this 'pain' is not going to dictate whether or not I can continue to do what I love and want to do.

That's when I realized that I'm the one that's in control. Not the judges, not the rankings, not the people I'm up against, not my coaches, not the weight, and certainly not any kind of pain. It's me. I'm in control of the weight and what the bar does. I'm perfectly capable of making every one of these lifts...and I will. And if I don't, it doesn't mean I stop, it means I come back and do it again another time. Nothing is the end of the world. I get injured, I come back. I get worn out, I come back. I fail, I come back. Even if I fail in front of the international judges, I come back. No matter what happens, it is not the end all. They are not in control. They can not end it...only I can. When I lay down, I'm in control of how they strap me. I'm in control of my lift off. And I'm in control of what the bar does because it isn't in anybody's hands but mine. I go, I do it, and I finish...all for myself. Period. It isn't about whether I succeed or not. Just finish. Then I go home, and I get ready to do it all over again, no matter if I failed or I ranked. I came and finished what I started.

I hope this is 'it' and I finally 'get' why everyone seems to think that I'm not doing it for myself. Maybe it was all the fear of what 'could' happen that everyone sees all the time. But, it's gone...at least for now. lol. I might need a couple reminders from Brian in the future, until I get seasoned at all this. But...this time....I'm ready.