Bonus Blog

Hey everyone,

I'm kind of doing a juggling act here. I try not to be too down on my blogs on a bad day, because Brian reads my blogs. He has such a good heart and feels bad when things don't work out how they should have. But I told him before we started together that I don't want coddled so I try not to do too much "Woe is me" on my blog. (Although, I did a decent number on Monday, eh?) I want him to find that line and treat me like a powerlifter, unless it really is actually going to hurt me or not be productive in any way. I want him to ignore the fact that I hate half the stuff because it makes me feel different, and get in my face about whether I really want to be there if need be someday. So, I don't want to talk too much in the opposite direction. (I'm not saying he doesn't already do that, I'm just saying I want to keep it that way)

But, I also know that a lot of you learn from a lot of the stuff I go through and end up posting, so, I try not to cut too much out either. A lot of you give me your own personal feedbacks (even though you don't leave me blog comments) and I really appreciate knowing that I help you through things. And this is definitely worth posting.

Brian recently asked me when I learned to accept that this is how life is going to be. That I'm in a chair and I can't walk. I told him that I'm not sure that you ever really accept it. There's too many situations out there that are new and unexperienced, so you don't actually know that you've accepted it until you've gone through the situation and react to it.

I know I've been with Brian for over two months now. It's gone amazingly well. But...two months is not all that long to know someone...no matter how you slice it. So, unfortunately for me, I'm still having some of the same feelings that I have when I'm trying to get used to someone new in my life.

Today was not near as bad as Monday, which was why I didn't originally want to say anything. But, as I was doing rows, especially the single-arm ones, I had to keep adjusting my position because of balance and doing a one-arm exercise. And, it embarassed me. Brian had to put his hand on one side of my back to keep me from moving around so much, and it actually embarassed me. It's completely embarassing to me that I physically cannot do my exercises on my own. I like one-armed rows, because of how it works my back....but, there was an actual conscious thought process of how embarassing it is that he has to reach over and hold me down to do them properly (although, I'm grateful he knows what to do without me telling him).

I have prayer and scripture at church this coming Sunday and what I'm going to talk about is not having to do things perfect the first time. But, that the perfection of it all is that you keep getting back up and doing it until you are able to achieve it...no matter how many times you fail. Then I saw this video that someone posted on Facebook: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MslbhDZoniY. Please take a moment right now and watch it before you finish my blog.

See, the most important thing is that I didn't stop and get back in my chair and leave the gym because I was embarassed. I finished. And, sometime, in the future, I'm going to be strong enough that I'm going to be able to do 30 lb. Single-Arm Rows for 25 reps without having Brian hold me. But, if I stopped trying, it would never happen. If I stopped trying, I'd never make it to competition qualification. If I stopped trying, I'd be stuck just believing that there's something that I should be embarassed about. But there's not. So, I have to keep going, and keep training my body, AND my mind. Because, it doesn't matter where you start. It matters that you finish....And I'm going to finish strong.